Missing You

I saw a picture of you today. 

We were sitting outside your therapists office. 

I wish the me taking the picture knew how bad it really was.

I thought you were mostly fine. 

Instead you were just pretending. 
I remember hearing that I had missed you. 

You came to the weekly meeting. 

It just happened to be the one I missed. 

You would never return. 
The selfish side of me wishes you had told me you were back.

The wishful side thinks I could have stopped it. 

The truthful side knows you didn’t seek anyone out for a reason. 

You said good bye to those who crossed your path, not everyone who mattered. 
I wish I could call you. 

I’d tell you I made it to law school. 

I’d tell you I have no idea how to date. 

I’d tell you I love you.
I used to be uncomfortable with those words. 

I didn’t say them to anyone, even long-time friends. 

I’ve overcome that now. 

I love you, I miss you. 
Your mom reaches out to me periodically. 

I think she thinks I was the last person to have a real connection.

Or maybe that my success reflects what yours would have been. 

I still don’t know how to talk to her. 
I think it’s my fault. 

I know it’s not. 

I want to blame someone. 

I know there is no one to blame. 
Your death was the last straw. 

I can’t talk to God anymore. 

He let you suffer, he placed me into your path,

And I couldn’t stop it. 
It’s not your fault though,

He and I have always been on shaky ground. 

With so much bad,

It’s hard to see Him. 
He might be there,

But if he is,

He’s ambivalent,

He lets us chose our paths. 
I hope wherever you are,

You’re better,

I hope the pain stopped,

I hope you found peace. 
I miss you,

I love you,

I remember you. 
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It’s been two years since my best friend committed suicide. I had started this blog with her. I stopped posting somewhere in the past year. Between missing her and the stress of law school, it just slipped through the cracks. Some person randomly followed me a week ago. I remembered how much I like posting. And then I saw a picture of her. Just a girl playing a silly game in a therapists office. And it all came rushing back. The photo kept reappearing throughout the day. I almost sent a message to her mom, but it sounded like I wanted her to make me feel better. I’ve never wanted that from her, I’ve wanted to make her feel better even if I can’t fix it. So I couldn’t send it. Then I remembered posting. So here’s my poem. I don’t think it really is one until about halfway through, but I’m rusty. All this legal writing has me screwed up. Hopefully this is the start of something old. 🙂 
P.S. I’m totally writing this while sitting in my car outside my apartment complex. I’m such a weirdo. 

Memories are like Daggers

It’s been almost a year since you passed away. I still think of you everyday. I graduated a few months ago and couldn’t face a big commencement ceremony. I told everyone it was because I didn’t like the grandness, that it’s silly to celebrate in such an elaborate way. In reality I couldn’t help but think that you should be there. I couldn’t face going without you. After all who else was going to sit and mock all the other people with me. In a group of hundreds of graduates, I would have been alone and thinking of you. So I didn’t go.

Then today, like so many other days you popped up in my memories on Facebook. At least it wasn’t a photo. But it’s hard to imagine that it has been 3 years since we got lost going to dinner and then stuck in a rain storm. We had so much fun that night.

I wish you were here now. That we could have helped you through what you were going through. I still wonder how different things would have turned out if I had been there that day you visited. Would you have simply been saying good bye, or would you have asked me for help. But that isn’t what happened. We didn’t get to see each other. I heard you were there and then I heard you were gone. Some part of me resents that you didn’t try to call me when I wasn’t there. You saw so many others and yet I missed you.

I still haven’t been to talk to your mom. I was going to write a letter. I was going to go to dinner before I left. I was going to do a lot of things. But I just couldn’t. So I just left. Maybe now, with no possibility of having to be there in person I can write that letter. After all, for that short year and a half your house was like a second home. But without you I just feel like I would be an impostor if I went there. I’m slowly learning to be okay with your passing. I hope you’re in a better place.

Thinking of You

You were only here for a year,
Yet I’m reminded of you
Everyday.

Places we studied,
Laughed,
Gossiped,
And even got lost.

Your face looks out,
From the picture on my desk.
You look so happy.

But I know you weren’t,
I knew then too,
But I didn’t know what to do.

Your mom messaged me,
She was watching the season finale,
Of our show.

I wish I still talked to her,
But somehow it seems so different,
Without you there.

I miss you,
But compared to her,
How can I possibly miss you?

She knew you better, longer,
My sadness doesn’t match hers,
Or at least it feels that way.

I’m graduating in a month,
You should be here,
Maybe I’m doing it for both of us.

We should be celebrating together,
Instead I’m alone,
I don’t even know how to celebrate.

That’s not really your fault though,
It’s mine, my friends are just not graduating,
So it’s just me, what fun is that?

I wrote a goodbye,
I wrote it on a napkin,
I have since hidden it.

If I don’t look at it, or
Post it,
You might not be gone.

I’ll share it one day,
That’s when I will let go.

Missing you.

I Dreamt of You

I dreamt of you
Last night.

You were little,
Living in a mental health facility,
I went to see you.

I watched you
As you stood before a panel
Deciding your fate,
If you should go home.

Your brother was there,
He spoke for you,
Telling them
To let you come home.

They said you  couldn’t,
That you still had work to do.
As you silently stood up,
You pointed at your brother and I.

Then they took you from the room.
I wasn’t allowed to speak to you
To hug you,
I was left sitting there alone.

I went to your brother,
Hugging him I cried,
I asked where your mother was,
He said she couldn’t bear to come.

Then he too left,
And I was left alone,
Crying in a room full of strangers.
Why couldn’t you come home?

I missed you before,
When you went on walkabout.
I miss you more now,
When I know you won’t return.

I wish I could have spoke to you,
Told you how much I love you,
Or just hugged you one last time,
Before you left for good.

I dreamt of you
Last night.

____________________________________________________________

My best friend has been in my dreams a lot lately. Especially since I attended her memorial service. Most of the time they are happy, just me remembering her, I think. But last night was different. I’m not really sure why my brain showed me this, but perhaps I wish there was some panel of people out there who could vote her into existence again. There isn’t though.

How strange grief is. I can go my whole day without thinking of her, and then my dreams remind me of my grief.

I hope you have found some peace, dear friend.

I will always be missing you.

The Secret

I have a secret,
You don’t know it yet,
But you know more about me,
Than any of my self-proclaimed best friends.

When I need to tell someone,
I think first of you,
It frightens me,
So I may not turn to you first.

You know many of those thoughts,
That I hide from others,
If you ask,
I answer honestly.

People asked me once,
If you were more than a friend,
I denied it then,
And still do today.

Yet sometimes I wonder,
Wonder if I don’t know myself,
Wonder if there really,
Is something more to us.

I plan conversations,
Where I tell all,
Then when I’m talking to you,
I tell you everything but this.

I can’t wait to see you again,
I’ve been away so long,
If I had to pick who I missed most,
It would be you.

Perhaps one day I will tell you,
Perhaps one day,
You will know my secret,
I hope that isn’t the day I lose you.

____________________________________________________________

Dedicated to the only person I would call my best friend, who doesn’t even know they have earned that title.

It’s a Small World

You’re dating him,
My 7 year old self’s crush?
The guy who was at one point,
My brothers best friend.

The guy I remember spanking
To make him go faster as he pushed a toy car around?
You’re dating him.

This guy whose circle,
Is so not your circle,
How did you even meet?
You’re dating him.

I hate when worlds collide,
I know his younger self,
One he probably wants to forget,
And you’re dating.

The world is a small,
Strange and unforgiving world.
Who knew I would know
This guy your dating.

Who knew I’d want to tell him
To run away,
And tell you to never let him go,
Who knew, even now, I’d still remember?

What a small, strange world.
Careful dear,
This savors strongly of bitterness.
I hope you’re both happy.

____________________________________________________________

So a friend of mine is dating a childhood friend of the family. I’m not sure why it affected me so much, but it did. He’s one of those people you just can’t help but love. I haven’t heard about him in awhile but why would I, he was more my brother and sisters friend, I was the awkward 4 years younger tag along. I honestly never thought our paths would cross except in my imagination. And then he was there, standing in a picture next to her and I just about threw my phone in excitement, no fear, no I don’t know in what. It seriously freaked me out. And now all I can think about is that time I spanked him. How did I end up here. I’m bursting with laughter of the thought of telling her this story. Of him blushing and denying it, of her confused face, and of my laughter then. But I won’t tell anyone except you all of these thoughts. No I’ll just quietly laugh myself to sleep in my lonely apartment.

I hope you all are having a lovely Thursday. Just remember tomorrow is Friday! And I’m getting up super early to tour some prisons, so look out for some new material.
As usual, sorry for the long period away.

The Tower

I live in a tower.
Strangers only see walls of Ice and Stone.
Although they dare not enter.
For the walls are beautiful, yet harsh and dangerous.

I know once inside there is warmth and safety.
As I watch them approach,
And see them but touch the surface I wonder,
Who will open the door to see what lies inside.

For once you have entered,
There is a promise of protection,
And the door will always be open for you.
These halls are lonely,
Who will take the chance,
And join me in this place.
_______________________________________________

Life of My Child

He turned to me and said,
“I want lots of kids,
But I don’t want them to be gay,
Like me.”
And I was speechless.

Here he was,
My proud gay friend,
One whom I admire
For his strength and confidence.

And Here he was,
Wishing about his future childs sexuality,
Wishing his child has an easier path than him,
And by doing so, reenforcing the power of discrimination.

I can hear the critics now,
“Even the gays don’t want gay children,
Therefore they must be bad,
They must see their own sin.”

It saddened my heart,
And I could not think of a reply,
Could not tell him that he was giving in,
That he couldn’t see the real dream.

The real dream,
Isn’t about gay, straight, or bisexual,
It’s about love,
And that they find it.

I don’t often think of having kids,
But when I do,
I hope they find love,
And that they know to recognize it.

I hope that they are so lucky,
To know that feeling,
And to be able to return it,
I hope for love.

I don’t think about
If they are boys or girls,
Gay, straight, or bisexual,
Or even what career they seek.

In the end I think about
If they will be happy,
If I can provide them with a foundation for that,
If they have a life of love.

Is it really so distorted,
That none of us can’t see the dream anymore,
Or have we given up on all together?
Well, I refuse to let that dream die.

I will forever dream of love,
Of a future where there is no fear to love,
Of a time where despite all the problems,
We take the time to find love, in all its forms.

The Friend Request

If I were a different person,
I would write you a love poem,
A tale of how the childish teasing,
Turned into attempted adolescent flirting,
Of could have been, should have been, would have been,
If I were that other person.

But those silly words have no purpose here,
For I have won,
Days sitting and contemplating contacting you,
Are over, I have won the silent battle,
For you sent me the Friend Request first,
You gave me the upper hand,
At least that is what I want to think.

In reality, you lost a silent battle,
One you didn’t know was being acted out,
And yet you may have won the war.
Now I must decide,
If I wish to pursue you,
The ball is in my court,
But I never learned the rules,
I taunted to deter,
You called my bluff.

Do I wittily remind you of our attempts,
Do I deny you all together,
Do I silently accept you?
I want to say that your acknowledgment of me,
Is enough, that I will deny the request,
And forget about our childish games.
But I know in the end I will accept it,
The question is,
What will accompany it? 

If I were that other person,
I might just say I liked you then,
And like you now,
If I were her I might,
Slyly show my hand.
But I am not,
I will accept in silence,
And slide the ball just over the line,
Back into your court.

Is the game still on?
Is the war finished?
I still haven’t learned the rules.

Our Father

As I pray,

“Our Father, Who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name,”
I close my eyes,
And turn my face to the heavens.

“Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,”
I see a glorious city,
Ruled by a benevolent king.

“On Earth, as it is in Heaven.”
It starts in my heart,
A twinge of recognition.

“Give us this day,
Our daily bread,”
I see that king,
Feeding and Healing all who come before Him.

“And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.”
I shudder with recognition,
Of my own follies and forgiveness.

“Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,”
The tingle spreads from my heart to my whole self,
And I know, That He is here.

“For thine is the Kingdom,
The Power, and The Glory,”
For that is what I give Him,
Because I know he exists,
He proves it, by letting me feel Him with me.

“Forever, and every, Amen.”
He leaves once more,
As I open my eyes,
For I alone, am not the only one
Needing to feel His presence.

I doubt many things,
But His existence is not one of them,
Each time I pray to Him,
He reveals himself.

Reminding me,
I am not alone,
I am loved,
And I have a purpose.

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Hope you all are having a wonderful sunday afternoon, and that you have allowed yourself to feel the presence of God (whoever he may be to you) at some point in your life. For he is there, you just have to learn to see him. 🙂